Logged out of Twitter for a few hours… Finally graduated college, lost some weight, showered, read 17 books, and started a family.

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Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?


[first day on the job at a mattress store]

Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.

Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.


Evidently, trying to schedule parent/teacher conference over drinks and “we’ll see what happens” is considered inappropriate.


My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.


I like horror movies because it’s the only place insanely hot people are treated poorly


I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.


I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!


That awkward moment when you can’t decide if it’s just a bad pic or you really look like that.


If bank website ads have taught me anything it’s that white people love drinking coffee as they pay bills online in an empty loft apartment.