@MeganGetsMoney

Logged out of Twitter for a few hours… Finally graduated college, lost some weight, showered, read 17 books, and started a family.

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@sadmonsters

Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?

@ShortSleeveSuit

[first day on the job at a mattress store]

Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.

Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.

@awesomeseank

Evidently, trying to schedule parent/teacher conference over drinks and “we’ll see what happens” is considered inappropriate.

@lasergirl70

My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.

@taylortomlinson

I like horror movies because it’s the only place insanely hot people are treated poorly

@myonlymizztake

I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.

@Smartassylassy

I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!

@kwirkyKerri

That awkward moment when you can’t decide if it’s just a bad pic or you really look like that.

@DaHess1

If bank website ads have taught me anything it’s that white people love drinking coffee as they pay bills online in an empty loft apartment.