“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
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I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
I think they could have phrased this better
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.