*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
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FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
When your parents check you’re ok.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?