Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
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*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.