*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
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Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday