*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
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i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.