@PlopWaffle

Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No

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@SortaBad

You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby

@JustinSayne722

I want to grow my own food but I can’t seem to find any bacon seeds anywhere.

@RunOldMan

I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.

@DickScurvy

Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.

@pilau

Dating:

“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”

Marriage:

“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”

@Hormonella

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

@meghaffer

My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.

@TuffyNyC

The next person who calls it an ATM Machine is getting sent to the ICU Unit.

@myonlymizztake

My experience with organized crime was getting two friends to help me tip a vending machine while I reached up inside for chips.

@NewDadNotes

Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?

Me: the hospital.

Wife: what happened?

Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.

Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.

Me:

Wife:

Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.