Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
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Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
A great tip. #CakeRex
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.