Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
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“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
i was baptized in a car wash
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?