Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
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“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.