Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.

“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”

“Covid.”

“Toddlers.”

If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.

Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.

Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.

One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby

[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???

giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first

me: ah sorry martin

medium rat demon: come back to bed baby

if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.

Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!

doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office

[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]

“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.

*calls out under the bed

Me: Are you still there?

Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.

This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.

[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops

Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.

I now have to live with this missed opportunity.

Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.

You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.

My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?

Nope.

Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.

Me: *curling my hair*

Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.

There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.

I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.

Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”

These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!

Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch

Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat

For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.

Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.

*Wakes up*

“Wow I feel pretty good”

*Moves body*

“Maybe I spoke too soon”

When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up

When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”

Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse

Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?

B: Please shut up

M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters