@trojansauce

LOIS LANE: *pulls back from kissing* clark your glasses are hurting my nose can you take them off
CLARK KENT: no

You Might Also Like

@Smug_Lemur

It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.

@caithuls

COP: License and registration please

ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs

@anon_mommy

Hubby’s ex emailed him wanting to “reconnect”.

I wanna pretend to be him & set it up so I can re CONNECT my foot up her ass

@Weird_Rash

I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.

@dumbbeezie

I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details

@sarcasticmommy4

My son said he’d do something in a minute.

So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.

@WilliamAder

Used way too much moisturizer and I may have to call in slick tomorrow.

@Tmoney68

Don’t think you’re immune. We’re all just a whim away from singing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight.” Yes, a whim away…a whim away…a whim away.

@bearcub577

Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.