LOIS LANE: *pulls back from kissing* clark your glasses are hurting my nose can you take them off

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It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.


COP: License and registration please

ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs


Hubby’s ex emailed him wanting to “reconnect”.

I wanna pretend to be him & set it up so I can re CONNECT my foot up her ass


I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.


I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details


My son said he’d do something in a minute.

So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.


Used way too much moisturizer and I may have to call in slick tomorrow.


Don’t think you’re immune. We’re all just a whim away from singing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight.” Yes, a whim away…a whim away…a whim away.


Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.