[on my way back to the posting caves]
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If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.