Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
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*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Basically.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?