Lol at birds that walk places.

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I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.


Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

3-year-old: A monster truck.

I don’t think insurance is going to cover that surgery.


Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.


So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?


Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.


fewer deadlines!
see, this is the problem


coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes


Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.


detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out

[ducks under the police tape]

detective: and get these ducks outta here