Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
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who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four