coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
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I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit