LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
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*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
#SaturdayBears
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.