Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
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Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Wait a second…
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??