@dshack8

LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.

L-O-L!

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@botandy

when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology

@DaddyJew

*shows up to a knife fight with a bunch of cakes and settles everything*

@kyry5

One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.

@Barknado69

[Sex Shop]

Worker: can I help you?

Me: Yes can I get um.. *fumbles with piece of paper* one sex please

@xhellwifex

No YOU’RE the stalker.

(I write on your work bathroom mirror in blood)

@DaddyJew

*turns off the WiFi at home*

*gathers everyone around*

Ok now lets all introduce ourselves

@sploosk

Welcome to Insults ? Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that

@the_rock_chic

A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…

@amydillon

[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!