when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
You Might Also Like
*shows up to a knife fight with a bunch of cakes and settles everything*
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Worker: can I help you?
Me: Yes can I get um.. *fumbles with piece of paper* one sex please
No YOU’RE the stalker.
(I write on your work bathroom mirror in blood)
*turns off the WiFi at home*
*gathers everyone around*
Ok now lets all introduce ourselves
Welcome to Insults ? Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Runs with scissors
Gets hit by bus