LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.


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when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology


*shows up to a knife fight with a bunch of cakes and settles everything*


One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.


[Sex Shop]

Worker: can I help you?

Me: Yes can I get um.. *fumbles with piece of paper* one sex please


No YOU’RE the stalker.

(I write on your work bathroom mirror in blood)


*turns off the WiFi at home*

*gathers everyone around*

Ok now lets all introduce ourselves


Welcome to Insults ? Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that


A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…


SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!