“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
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“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.