Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
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Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame