Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
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I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.