I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
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THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Swedish for common sense.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
This meal prepping shit is easy
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs