@PhathahWabwe

Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉

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@joeheenan

Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken

@KylePlantEmoji

Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?

Professor: I meant science questions

Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?

@JanineEB4

This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!

@ValeeGrrl

Oh you spent $8K to take your kids to Disney? My son watched the garbage truck empty our trash 20 minutes ago and he’s still talking about it

@Contwixt

I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.

I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.

@QwertyJones3

Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?

Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.

@Lisabug74

My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?

@unravelingfire

I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.