Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
You Might Also Like
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.