LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
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a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.