> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
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I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
bro what is going on at twitter
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.