lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
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hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.