“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
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My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Coffee is ready.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
No laws when master is gone
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.