LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
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Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.