lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
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[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Food gives you energy to nap more.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
bad news gang
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.