lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter

they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie

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[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*


My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich


My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”


From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.


Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world

[20 years later]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh shit


Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.


Our Mexican neighbor made us dinner and it tastes like I committed a grave error in marrying a white girl.


SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best!

[Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea