Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
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fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
But wait…
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.