I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
You Might Also Like
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?