TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
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And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?