“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
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I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Perfect
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.