doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
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*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Mornin
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.