*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
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Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.