*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
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The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them