*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
You Might Also Like
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*