“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
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Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant