Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
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Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
What a website
listen closely
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]