LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
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“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY