long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
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My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG