long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony

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my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you

me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden


My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.


Sometimes I feel like my life is a M. Night Shyamalan movie. Nothing about it makes sense and I’m at that point of my life where I could use a dramatic plot twist.


From 3am to 6am this morning I wanted to kill myself, but now I want some French toast. #cravings


Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?


Wild horses could definitely drag me away. Tame horses could too. A slightly muscular hamster probably could drag me away at this point.


I forgot FB was not Twitter & posted something ultra dirty.

Now I have to avoid my granndma, change my hair color & leave the state.


<during sex>

Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?

Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.

Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.


My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.