gang leader: “this isnt what i meant when i said go rob the store”
me: [putting 19 cartons of milk in fridge] “you should be more specific”
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
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Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident