[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?

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Things never heard before sex,

“Wait let me take off my crocs first”


*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*

I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.



lady: you can’t do that

me: *pulling baby out of dryer* no it’s cool I know the owner


I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.


Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.

Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.


*handsome, young man walks up*

Me-Hold it Jr. Yes, I’m sexy. But young guys aren’t my thing.

HYM-You’ve toilet paper on your heel.


All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.


It’s so cold in south florida, I just saw an iguana kill a squirrel and use it as a scarf.


A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.