Things never heard before sex,
“Wait let me take off my crocs first”
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
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*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
lady: you can’t do that
me: *pulling baby out of dryer* no it’s cool I know the owner
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
*handsome, young man walks up*
Me-Hold it Jr. Yes, I’m sexy. But young guys aren’t my thing.
HYM-You’ve toilet paper on your heel.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
It’s so cold in south florida, I just saw an iguana kill a squirrel and use it as a scarf.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.