My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
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FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
The symmetry is uncanny.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?