Joseph *casting his line*:
Son, your mother thinks it’s time I tell you-
Jesus *runs across the lake crying*
Long distance relationships sucks 😳😳
Fridge you’re coming to my room.?
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BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
My wife’s idea of oral sex is to sit down and talk me out of it.
This is why I hate group projects