Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
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I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out