judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
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ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident