Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
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My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
S/o to @funTweeters .
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling