Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur

[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]

What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapes

What I could draw:
damaged stairs

I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”

Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!

If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.

everyone’s a critic

I’m completely naked under all this pizza.

ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.

DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.

ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

MAN: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

[reading crime and punishment]

me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-

[ten pages later]

me: you’re not gonna believe this

Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..

Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up

Genius.

I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.

“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers

The Frankfurt School?? What are you majoring in, hot dog?

Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.

What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?

Expensive Petroleum.

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?

Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?

When you have to marry your mother-in-law

The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.

I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?

The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.

Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.

Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?

Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really

Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please

King Solomon: *sweating*

likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.

Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.