Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
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Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.