Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
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Why is no one talking about this?!
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
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Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.