Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Longest English word:
Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
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“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
wife: Alright, who loaded the dishwasher?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Some dance to remember, some dance to forget, some dance because the swamp witch’s curse compels them to, and you can usually pick those ones out right away.
I get accused of hating white people many times on here. That’s not true, some of my favorite shirts are white.
“You are cute like a dog, Momma!”
My daughter is very sweet but we must work on her ability to compliment.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.