Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
You Might Also Like
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Basically.